Done

Do you ever feel like breaking down? do you ever feel outta place? Like somehow you just don't belong, and no one understands you? Do you ever wanna run away? Do you lock yourself in your room? With the radio on turned up so loud...That no one hears you screaming. No you don't know what it's like When nothing feels all right You don't know what it's like To be like me

To be hurt, to be lost, to be left out in the dark. To be kicked when you're down, to feel like you've been pushed around, to be on the edge of breaking down, and no one there's to save you. No you don't know what it's like, welcome to my life. Do you wanna be somebody else. Are you sick of feeling so left out? Are you desperate to find something more? Before your life is over. Welcome to my life. Not to be over melodramatic, but this is how I feel.

I want to make changes in my life, not even to be perfect, because perfection is in the eye of the beholder, and is dependent, obviously, on who that is. I just want to make a change, that will get me a stable job or something, so maybe life would be easier for me? Not even easier, just different in the way that all my life, I've had everything I've wanted; i'm spoiled, i know and understand that, but not in the way that I perceive and view others to be, but different as in maybe a bit harder or something that I need to work for, because I don't think that I have ever done a days work, a solid days work for school or in a job ever in my life, I've always gotten help or never felt the need to do it. If i find out where I want to go, I get that drive that everyone talks about, the drive to do well and try for that thing, and I haven't found that drive, and I want it now so that I am set for life. I know this sounds really depressing, but bear with me for the meanwhile. 

Im in university now, and I have this image of what i want my life to be and feel like, what i know my future should look like, where i should be in my life at 25 years of age, how i want my house to look, I know the details of this world that I have in my head, and I know i can reach them, its just difficult to get there. its like I need to find the right path that will lead me to all of these great things that I have envisioned myself using, seeing, feeling, touching, but it's like i've missed a part of a puzzle, or missed some huge important chunk of myself that I need to get back in order to complete this dream. It's difficult to get somewhere or to achieve anything, when the people that you live with put you down, and don't treat you with respect. when your ideas with "... that's dumb", "no franny, fuck off", "fucking franny doesn't know anything", "boom roasted" and comments that interrupt your ideas, you lose focus and you lose your point which makes foe an awful day. That also puts me down and prevents me from saying ideas because i never get heard out, and on the off chance that someone isn't talking over me and people actually hear me, I get those aforementioned responses. I cannot stand some of you when you are rude to me like that, recently i have just left the conversation and gone into my room because i cannot stand to be in the same room as someone who is so awful to me and has no respect for the people that we live with.

You know how you let people do things for a while, and then you change, and suddenly they aren't allowed those "perks" from you anymore because you've decided that you've changed and enough is enough, things have got to change? well, thats where I am right now. I want things differently; I'm not drunk all the time, so things happen differently. I don't always let people sign my boobs all the time or on a daily basis, I most certainly do not allow them to touch my boobs, which is now coming to a stop. I don't care if i'm drunk or not, it comes and it stops now. The odd thing is, is that when I say no, I get guys calling me a bitch and the "c-word" and that is so inappropriate. This shit stops now, its crazy and I absolutely hate it with a passion. Does no one understand that when I say "No" or "Don't" I mean it, and yes, I sound unhappy, and short but maybe consider my feelings? Who wants to be groped? Who wants to be touched and have to physically restrain the guys? No one. So when I say it I mean it. Walking down the halls, having your ass smacked, and people go for your sweats really isn't the best thing in the world to have to deal with everyday, because eventually that person will snap; and you get blackfranny (all joking aside, stop it please; it makes me upset to be used and treated like a piece of meat). I'm desensitized to half of the crap that happens around here, and thats awful. It has been a long couple months, and dealing with your version of entertainment sickens me. I don't want to have to justify myself, but I know that if i spoke to all of you, you'd shoot me down, interrupt what I have to say and just ignore it as you have done in the past. I know, I know, "Don't sweat the small stuff", this used to be a small issue, but now I feel that it's grown and I can't handle, more like will not handle, all of this. So, to re-iterate myself; it ends.

I AM DONE WITH ALL THE SHIT THAT I HAVE TAKEN FOR THE PAST COUPLE MONTHS.

I can go for hours talking about all of the stuff that has happened, jokingly is fine, but you can't jokingly call people hurtful names and expect them not to react in any way; that is definitely not going to happen. So when i'm upset and I say stop, its mostly because I dont want to deal with you right now. Im not being a bitch, im just not interested in the shit that you have planned to make me angry or pissed off with.

Thanks ever so much,

F.F